The World’s Worst Bike Tour: Sevilla, Spain

1 Jun

I’m sorry to say it, but my lonely planet guide finally steered me wrong. Through months of traveling and countless countries I have clung to my lonely planet guide like a travelers bible. My one and only guide from which I will never stray, but in Seville, my bible let me down. I read that the best way to see Seville was on a bike tour since the city is too large to walk and see everything in one day but the perfect size for a casual cycle through the beautiful attractions. A bike tour! I love cycling and rarely get a chance to go so I was really excited for this opportunity. I even added it into our travel itinerary long before we had plane or train tickets to each destination on our 14 day journey.

“oo this is going to be fun!”

When we got to our hostel, the travel desk had a bike tour for only €20 and included something to eat so of course we jumped at it. A few hours later we found ourselves walking towards the bike shop for our 6pm start time. We were already feeling a little hungry but after living in Florence for 4 months we were used to 9pm dinners.

In Plaza de Espana

We got to the shop, got fitted for our bikes and met our oddly skinny Moroccan tour guide. A few minutes later we were on our way, all smiles and ready for a new adventure through the wonderful city of Seville! 5 minutes into our tour our guide stops short.. “Here is our first stop! Check out this amazing tree, guess how old it is?” Since it was the beginning of the tour I played along and made a couple guesses. We moved on and this time THIRTY SECONDS later we stop again. This time for a thirty minute forced reenactment of the story of Christopher Columbus and how he sailed the ocean blue from Spain or some shit. Me: “Ash, this can not be like this the whole time”, Ashley: “if it is.. I will kill you”.

She hates me already and its only been 2 hours

We go on like this, stopping every couple minutes for some historical details that we have absolutely no interest in for the next 2 hours. At 8:30pm we decide to ask, “So, tour guide, how much longer until we can get some food or something?” – Moroccan tour guide “we only have about 2 and a half hours left but we can take a break soon”.. Me: “wait, what?! How long is this horrible tour, I mean, tour?!”, MTG: “Its 5 hours, didn’t you know?” At this, Ashley gives me the meanest glare she can manage and I feel like she might hit me. Easy tiger!

when is it going to be over?! Currently at hour 4

At this time he decides we all need a break so we stop into a bar for some tea and sangria. The temp. is starting to drop dramatically and Ashley and I were completely unprepared in our hot shorts and tanks. By the time we leave the bar the sun has gone down, its around 9:30pm and we are shivering. At this point, I am trying to avoid all eye contact with Ashley because everytime I look at her I see her eyes sending death threats my way.

The Moroccan tour guide who would NOT STOP TALKING

At hour 5, we are cold, hungry, tired and about to strangle the tour guide who will not stop talking about Spanish history. Every 10 minutes, for 5 hours, we stopped to talk for 20 minutes about the most miniscule, insignificant details of Spanish and European history. Listen, I love my history, and I love learning about other cultures. But after 6 finals in 4 days and 4 months of nonstop school work, I was DONE. Please, God, no more history!! Finally, at 11:45 that night we made it back to the bike shop where we finally walked to a tapas bar for some food and a much needed drink.

Please make it stop

After we got some tapas and beer and wine in our bellies we were starting to feel human again. We watched a beautiful Flamenco show and talked with our new bike tour  buddies… Me:” Do you still hate me? It all worked out in the end, didn’t it? I mean we still had fun, and now its over!” Ashley: Glare.

Note to the wise, while bike tours are awesome, make sure they are not 17 million hours long and contain thousands of tid bits of history, cheesey jokes, and Christopher Columbus reenactments. I’m sorry Lonely Planet, but I kind of hate you right now.

Thanks for reading! Namaste.


3 Responses to “The World’s Worst Bike Tour: Sevilla, Spain”

  1. sonia lochren June 4, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

    I loved this! I laugh my ass off !!!!!!

    • Jamie-Lee July 1, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

      Mom said ass??!? At least it was in a sentence.

  2. sparkliness June 13, 2012 at 7:11 pm #

    See? I hate bicycles.

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